This year, the NBA created hotline where players can call to complain about NBA referees. And it's still open during the playoffs, so players can get rules clarifications, ask for reduced flagrant points, and complain about Scott Foster working Warriors games. It's like getting therapy by phone, only your psychologist is Steve Javie. Each week, we’ll present a look at the hotline’s responses, which are about as genuine as the Finals tickets sold on the BART ramp outside Oracle Arena. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: an NBA legend is calling out a rival.
Mark L. Jordan vs. LeBron James
Dear Mr. Mark L. Jordan (if that is your real name),
You asked what LeBron James could do – if anything – to pass Michael Jordan as the all-time greatest basketball player. While this is not an officiating question, it seems relevant this week. Some say that defeating the 73-win Warriors, and then beating them again after they added Kevin Durant, would be greater than any single season accomplishment from MJ.
However, we are at the hotline feel that LeBron needs to do more to equal MJ. For example:
So what do we need to see from LeBron in the Finals? Scoring 50 points in a triple-double in Game 7 after staying up all night at a Tahoe casino, gambling and berating Kyrie Irving, then shaving his head at halftime and wearing one of Zydrunas Ilgauskas’ suits in the postgame press conference. Then he’s in the conversation for greatest of all time.
Space jammingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline
Steph Curry vs. Drug Testing
Dear Mr. Curry,
We understand that you were taken aback by the unprecedented number of random drug tests you experienced in the playoffs so far. And so far you have come up clean! But we do have to act anytime there’s suspicious evidence that a player is using PEDs - that is, Puberty Enhancing Drugs.
Mr. Curry, at the age of 29, you demonstrated a newfound ability to grow facial hair. It used to be that you had half a goatee at best, and a tiny beard that put the “patchy” in soul patch. While your Splash Brother Klay Thompson rocks a goatee that looks like it’s a movie costume held on by spirit gum, you had wispy facial hair, seemingly only there because a razor would be too abrasive to your baby-soft skin.
Now, you have a fullish, messy beard that looks like an Amish teenager during a full moon. It’s impressive, in the way that a six-car freeway pileup with no injuries is important. Once you were the Baby Faced Assassin. Now you’re the Baby Faced Civil War Sniper, but more lamb’s wool than mutton chop. And while we are now convinced you’re undergoing a drug-free puberty, this does mean your body will be changing in strange and sometimes scary ways. You may notice confusing feelings when you talk to sideline reporter Rosalyn Gold-Onwude. These are perfectly natural! We will send you some pamphlets, but remember: Don’t listen to anything Draymond Green says about this.
Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline
Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Boston Celtics
Dear Cavaliers,
You posed a series of questions directed to the Boston Celtics, and we would like to help answer them, with input from the Celtics themselves.
We hope this clears things up.
Inquisitively yours, NBA Referee Hotline
Draymond Green vs. Suspensions
Dear Mr. Green,
You presented an impressive list of hypothetical game situations, seizures, muscle spasms, shoe explosions, on-court spills, and collisions that might lead to contact with someone's groin. Still, we must urge you one more time: Do not hit anyone in the balls. Not with your hand, not with your feet, not with your knee, not even with your own balls. We have a zero-tolerance policy - it's one strike/testicle and you're out this time. To paraphrase the great Rasheed Wallace, "Balls don't lie."
Don't get nuts, NBA Referee Hotline
Warriors Fans vs. Not Looking Like Dorks
Dear Warriors Fans,
During important playoff games, NBA teams often want fans to wear the same color. As such, when you arrive at the game, there will be t-shirts on your seat. You will be pressured to wear the shirts. As such, do not wear a collared dress shirt to the game. Because the t-shirt has to go over the dress shirt and it will look terrible. Technically, that look is foul.
We know what you’re thinking:
“But I run a hedge fund!”
“But how will people know I’m a douchebag?” “But I get my dress shirts specially crisped up before all major sporting events!”
“But nothing else matches my top hat, monocle, and cummerbund!”
“I have never seen a basketball game on television so this t-shirt business is a complete surprise!”
All of those may be true! You are not necessarily terrible - but if you’re attending a Warriors playoff game in 2017, it’s fairly like that you are. But try to overcome that for one night.
You’re going to be on TV. You don’t need a dress shirt at a sporting event. You’re already going to embarrass everyone by wearing Google Glass courtside or blocking other fans while filming with your iPad or spilling chardonnay on Shaun Livingston. At least you could wear something else to the damn game.
Formally yours, NBA Referee Hotline
Tim Donaghy vs. The Odds
Dear Mr. Donaghy,
As you know, the NBA is already monitoring your calls, so it is unnecessary to call our hotline directly. We do not have any hot tips about hidden injuries, referee schedules, atmospheric conditions, or poisoned room service pizza to share with you. The only shaving we are concerned with is Steph Curry’s beard, not points. Neither the Lakers or Celtics are playing, so the league has no incentive to rig games on anyone’s behalf. (We already fixed the lottery, what more do they want?)
Mr. Donaghy, you disgraced your profession, the NBA, and yourself with your gambling efforts. You are no longer allowed to wager on games or enter a casino at all! That being said, we do have on good authority that Red Panda is going to take a dive and drop a dish on purpose at halftime of game 4. Our dude Rocco can give you 3-to-1 odds on it.
Luck be a lady,
NBA Referee Hotline
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