NFL Referee Hotline Bling: Ed Hochuli serves up a full English breakfast of penalties

Dear Pete Rose,

First of all, big fan of the way you played baseball. But we are somewhat confused why you’re calling. This number is reserved for NFL players and team officials, though we understand you got the number from someone named “Big Rocco.” Regardless, while the last-second touchdown scored by Kansas City was meaningless in the game sense, we understand that many people in the Gamblo-American community have concerns, because the Chiefs covered the spread on the play.

You are correct that the touchdown never should have happened! Our rule states, “If any player fumbles after the two-minute warning in a half, only the fumbling player is permitted to recover and/or advance the ball. If recovered by any other offensive player, the ball is dead at the spot of the fumble unless it is recovered behind the spot of the fumble.” Once the Redskins fumbled forward, the play should have been blown dead – no, that's not a threat from Rocco.

We agree that this could be a back-breaking loss for Washington, but we hadn’t considered it might also be a back-breaker for anyone who bet the under. Unfortunately, the play in unreviewable, but if it’s any consolation, we do have a hot tip on a filly racing at Pocono Downs this weekend.

Sincerely Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

Steelers vs. Ravens

Dear Antonio Brown,

We wanted to clarify our replay ruling on your catch against the Ravens, that was ruled an interception on replay review. Yes, you caught the ball. Yes, you had one knee down upon making the catch. But then you underwent the mysterious process known as “going to the ground,” in which time moves forward and backwards at once, and possession is unknowable. The ball is simultaneously complete and incomplete at the same time, a principle of NFL physics known as “Schrödinger's catch.”

Don’t be angry with the referees, or the defensive backs, or Ben Roethlisberger’s inability to hit you with a pass even when you are wide open over the middle. Instead, embrace the Zen of an unknowable rule book, and ponder this koan: If a wide receiver is interfered with in the forest, and he doesn’t pantomime throwing a flag, did a penalty truly happen? Also stop knocking over coolers on the sidelines. Those things are expensive.

Meditatively Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

Bears vs. Packers

Dear Davante Adams,

Thank you for your call. We were surprised that the intensive care unit has such quality phone service! In response to your question, Danny Trevathan has been suspended for two games for his cheap shot, and the Bears got a 15-yard penalty on the play. But no, we do not agree that he should have been ejected.

Ejections are reserved for the worst NFL infractions. Like throwing a towel at a ref. Or slapping a player in the helmet. Or throwing an imaginary punch. All Danny Trevathan did was try to decapitate you with a head shot while you were defenseless and being held up by other players. A two-game suspension is plenty! It’s not like he slightly deflated a game ball!

Also now that we think about it, Tom Brady is also suspended for two games.

Get Well Soon, NFL Referee Hotline